You've worked hard to build your email list(s). Blood, sweat, and lead magnets. So why are you treating your subscribers like disposable extras in a low-budget sci-fi movie?

Too many brands collect emails like souvenirs – nice to have, rarely dusted off, and barely acknowledged. Or worse: they go full alien invasion mode – blasting subscribers with irrelevant offers, confusing copy, or tone-deaf messaging that makes them hit "Unsubscribe" faster than you can say open rate.

Let's fix that.

Your Subscribers Are Not Aliens – Stop Treating Them Like It

Think of your subscribers as guests at a house party.

Some are old friends, some are new acquaintances, and one guy only came for the free snacks – but they, they're all here. Your Job? Don't scare them off with robotic subject lines or one-size-fits-all messaging. Make them feel seen, welcomed, and slightly (or overly) entertained.

The First Mistake: Sending the Same Email to Everyone

Would you tell your grandma and your gym buddy the same story in the same way? (If so, we need to talk.)

Segment your email list. Seriously. Sending the same promo to a cold lead and a loyal customer is like giving everyone at the party the same drink – sparkling water with a dead fly in it. Customise based on behaviour, purchase history, location, interest. Anything. Just don't batch-blast and hope for the best.

Here are some quick fixes for you – 

• tag subscribers based on clicks and purchases,
• create onboarding flows for newbies, and
• reward loyalty with sneak peeks or VIP content.

Stop Yelling. Start Conversing.

Nothing alienates humans faster than emails that sound like they were written by a malfunctioning chatbot.

Your subscribers aren't just inbox targets. They're people. People who get hundreds of emails a day, most of which scream BUY NOW!!! in their face like a caffeine-crazed car salesman.

You don't need to whisper – just speak like a human. A witty, helpful, slightly cheeky human. The kind people might invite them to their inbox on purpose.

Walls & Spike: Are You Creating Friction?

Let's talk friction.

Walls = barriers to action.

Spikes = things that make people go "ew" and delete your email.

Here are the biggest offenders – 

• Too many CTAs – one email, one action. Keep it simple.
• No unsubscribe link – that's not edgy, it's dodgy – and illegal.
• Over-designed templates – if your email takes longer to load than your coffee, you're toast.
• Shady subject lines – "you won't believe this one trick…" Yeah, we won't.

Strip it back. Remove the sludge. Make your emails smooth, scannable, and spark joy (or at least a click).

Use Memory Triggers (and a Dash of Storytelling)

Want to stay memorable? Tell stories.

A real one. A quirky one. A tiny metaphor that sticks in their brain like glitter on carpet. Here's an example – 

"We once sent an email at 9:57 am on a Tuesday and the open rate spiked by 27%. Coincidence? Probably. But guess what time we send our emails now?"

See? You smiled. Maybe even chuckled. And you remembered the point.

How to Keep Subscribers from Ghosting You

People unsubscribe when – 

• You email too much
• You email too little
• You're boring
• You're irrelevant
• You don't offer value

The solution? Consistency + value + personality.

Mix strategy with charm. Be the highlight in their inbox, not the "Oh god, not this again."

Pro Tips

• Send predictably interesting content
• Add a PS with something weird, useful, or both
• Occasionally remind them why they signed up
• Test your frequency – your "ideal send day" might not be what you think

Your Subscribers Are Humans, Not Data Points

Email marketing isn't about blasting content into the void and hoping for ROI to fall from the sky. It's about relationship-building. Micro-trust moments. Entertaining while informing. Showing up with value, not noise.

So, next time you write an email, ask yourself: "Would I open this if it landed in my inbox?"

If the answer is "no", then scrap it, rewrite it, and serve up something better. Something bold. Something human. Something that doesn't make your subscribers want to phone home and unsubscribe.